I think I am morally bankrupt
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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