The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
