Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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