Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
