Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
