If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
