after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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