My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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