Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
