we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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