There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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