God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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