I think my fart just growled at me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
