he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
