it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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