I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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