Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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