I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
