Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
