I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
