xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
