i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
