Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
