I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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