just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
