Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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