Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
