respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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