First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
