I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
