This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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