I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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