I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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