Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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