god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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