in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
