Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
