Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
