I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
