the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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