Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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