Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
