dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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