Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
