i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
