Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
