Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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