Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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