Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
