Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
