please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
