Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
