your thong is hanging out like whoa
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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